I’ll be the first to admit I’m horrible at goodbyes especially when it’s towards someone who meant the world to me and was my bestfriend. The worst part is having to say goodbye when it’s not on your own accord a forced goodbye which makes it ten times harder especially out of the blue. There are things I wish I would of done differently over the last six months but that’s the past and I have to deal with it. I’ve lost too many people this year and honestly I’m sick and tired of losing people who mean the most to me. Losing your best friend is one of the hardest things to deal with…
A few months ago I wrote a post about missing someone and I felt the need to add on to that post since there’s much more to it. I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much especially when you used to tell them everything the good,the bad and the in between. Now it’s harder to do that since communication has taken a severe hit and not much I can do about it. I have felt over the last few weeks and months I’ve been complicating their life and I don’t want that for them so I decided to give them the space they need as much as it hurts to do so I have to do it for them. Does it hurt to do this? Fuck yes it does more than words but I have to do what’s right. Every single day I think about them and wonder what they’re up to and how their day is going and they’re the first thought in the morning and last at night. Hopefully they can see this since they mean the world to me and our talks. My feelings will never change no matter what happens since she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and she was my miracle. I’m not giving up or losing hope just taking a step back…..
When I opened up and expressed the deepest wave of feelings that were flowing through my heart they weren’t greeted too well and in way damaged the unique friendship that I had. I was getting blamed for the damage which wasn’t fair since that wasn’t the actual reason why. Everytime I bring it up still getting blamed for it and sure at first I apologized for saying it but over time I realized I have not a damn thing to be sorry about since those were the words that my heart was singing and believe me it was an amazingly special tune. If anything I learned is I’m never apologizing for saying what I felt anymore but it made me embrace those feelings even more now. All o want to do is express them even more and stand in public and scream them as loud as I can. These feelings will never go away no matter what that much I know. So my advice is never feel the need to apologize for saying what’s in your heart. I refuse to let someone try to change my feelings to suit their life. It may not be the right time for them but fuck it and let them out!
Night time tends to be when your mind goes into overdrive and prevents you from the one time to relax and rest up. All of your worries,fears and most deepest thoughts you’ve had kick up a notch And amplified to an all new level which leads to overthinking big time. This prevents you from getting the rest you need to recharge the body,mind and soul and I’m my case just laying in bed tossing and turning while staring at the ceiling. In most cases there’s nothing you can really do about it which really sucks and just have to let it run its course. I’ve had far too many of these nights lately over the last few months so I know from experience it’s fair at all since it’s the one time where you can actually rest but your mind is depriving your body and soul that actual rest.
I felt that I needed to do a post on a certain quote that I’ve kept seeing all last week and it really spoke to me and was the perfect fit for what’s going on in my life. The quote is “You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.”. Ever since I was a teen I had to grow up rather quickly and take charge of many things that were going on in my life and as the years went on that was what my mentality was for myself to take control of every situation I faced which most of the time it worked. But recently there’s certain ciricmstances where that mentality just won’t work no matter how hard I try to force it. Letting go is not easy for me at all since I’m so used to being in control which has done more harm than good lately. Seeing that quote though recently when I needed to see it and embrace it the most was literally a smack in the face for me to listen to what it was trying to tell me. At this point in my life I need to just let go and have faith that what I want most will work out and just relax. Does it drive me nuts trying to do this? Hell yes! But that’s the best thing for me to do keep on believing things will work out especially this one thing I’d trade everything for. As I say never lose hope!